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Press Release $$$ Final Standings
January 7, 2000
Associated Press


Crushed!!! The San Jose Batwings have just finished rampaging through the Silicon Valley Fantasy Football League Playoffs. In the championship game they stomped, beat and pummeled the defenseless Newport Beaver Dogs. As the last second ticked off the clock, Coach Marlatt was lifted on his player's shoulders, raised his arms in victory and was promptly served a Bacardi and Diet Coke.

The Batwings dominated the regular season, marching into the playoffs with an eight game winning streak. Coach Marlatt immediately attacked the Petaluma BlacknWhiteCows, leaving them milked and butchered. Next, the Batwings jumped to a 60 point lead on the Newport Beaver Dogs and cruised to the championship. Afterwards, the winning coach had a few words.

Coach Marlatt "We drafted well and picked up a few key free agents. I am just proud of all my boys. They all worked hard and never gave up. When we had a team down, we continued to kick them over and over until they couldn't get up. This team should win for years. We are going to celebrate tonite! After the hookers and donkeys leave, myself and a few of the cuter players are going to head down to the Rainbow Room for a really good time!"

Coach Balck's Beaver Dogs battled but never really competed with the Batwings. Balck walked off beaten, blond locks fallen on his shoulders and shoes. He looked distressed. "After jumping to a quick start this year, I figured the championship was in the bag. I am truly disappointed, we got crushed" The fallen coach walks off with a tear in his eye. As he walks he sticks his thumb in his mouth and begins to whimper.

In the third place game, the BlacknWhite Cows proved that the Flyers were completely overrated as everyone expected. Coach Azevedo stood proud after the game, milk and cheese in hand, "That Flyer team was poor. I am so happy that the Cows improved this year and I didn't get stuck with that crappy 4th place prize money. Let's be honest, if I had lost that game I would have heard the 'Lost to Midget' comments throughout the offseason. Enjoy the $0 Owen!!!" Coach Fighter scratched his belly with a perplexed look on his face "I thaught my teem was good enuff to compete but we wer jus a farce. thay gawt no hart. I am cuttin all of tham and startin from skratch next yeer. Is that beef??"

Consolation Round:
Champions win something!!! Pederson to receive prize money! Miracles happen!!! Sigma Chis celebrate with a parade through the streets of San Francisco! Andy Pederson has beaten all odds and finally won some $$ in Balck's Fantasy Games. In the 5th place game, Coach Pederson's San Francisco Champions squeezed by the starstruck Savannah Sand Gnats. After the game Coach Pederson met with the press, "Well, who would have thought!!!! My Champions improved throughout the year and we are quite satisfied with our 5th place victory. We feel that with our core group we can challenge for the title next year. I just heard that I won some prize money for my 5th place finish. Do I get a check or is it cash? How do I cash a winner's check?" The Sand Gnats showed up but were obviously star struck by playing in a game that meant something. After playing for 8th and 9th place in earlier years, Coach Chronert's team was confused when the were told that they would be playing for 5th place. After the game, Coach Chronert missed the press conference, he heard that free drinks were being served on the Lido Deck.

Let's be honest, not to many people care about 7th, 8th, 9th or 10th place. Eric Marlatt's Starfish grabbed 7th place but were by far the most disappointing and underachieving team in the league this year. The Attack stumbled to 8th place and it may get worse. It looks like the franchise may be claiming bankruptcy and will be bought out by an software programmer in Irvine, CA. Pardi's Pears were the worst team in the league but somehow grabbed the 9th spot by edging the second worst team, the Denver Falcons. Both teams suck. Both Coaches may be fired. And Both teams will start from scratch next year.

Well, I hope everyone had fun this year. ESPN does a great job with our league, I don't think it could get much better. Let me know if you will be playing next year, who your Franchise Players are and if you have any suggestions / comments. Have a good off-season!

The Commish


Press Release $$$ Final Standings


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